James and I have been married for almost a decade and a half – and if we’re being completely honest
It has not been easy…
There were seasons when we looked at other marriages and wondered:
🤔 What are they doing that we aren’t?
🤔 Why does marriage seem to work for them?
🤔 Why do we keep having the same struggles?
🤔 Why can we love each other so dearly and still hurt each other so deeply?
For years, we carried the question:
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH US?🤔”
And the truth is, there were seasons when it became so hard that we GAVE UP on each other…
Not once.
Several times.
There were moments when the distance felt bigger than the love.
Moments when we were tired of trying.
Moments when we wondered whether we had simply reached the end of our story.
Moments when walking away seemed easier than staying and doing the difficult work of rebuilding…
And yet, somehow, here we are🙌🏽
Still married…
Still learning…
Still growing…
Still having difficult conversations…
Still discovering each other…
Still choosing to try again…
That doesn’t mean everything suddenly became perfect.
It means we began to understand marriage differently.
These are some of the lessons our own journey with each other has taught us:
- SOMETIMES TWO GOOD PEOPLE CAN CREATE A VERY DIFFICULT MARRIAGE.
We spent years trying to figure out who was the problem.
Was it me?
Was it James?
Who was more wrong?
Who needed to change first?
But eventually we realised that sometimes the issue isn’t that one person is “bad.”
Two people can love each other and still have unhealthy patterns.
Two people can have good intentions and still hurt each other.
Two people can both be carrying unhealed experiences that collide inside the marriage.
We stopped asking only:
“Who is wrong?”
And started asking:
“What is happening between us?”
That question changed the conversation.
- WE LEARNED THAT LOVE DOESN’T AUTOMATICALLY GIVE YOU THE SKILLS TO BE MARRIED.
We loved each other.
That was never the entire problem.
But love didn’t automatically teach us how to communicate.
How to disagree.
How to listen.
How to manage expectations.
How to navigate money.
How to parent together.
How to handle disappointment.
How to repair after hurting each other.
We had love.
But we also needed skills, maturity and intentionality.
And we’re still learning.
- WE LEARNED HOW DESTRUCTIVE COMPARISON CAN BE.
We looked at other couples and saw the outside.
We didn’t see their private conversations.
We didn’t see their wounds.
We didn’t see their difficult seasons.
We didn’t see what they had worked through.
We simply saw what appeared to be peace and wondered why we didn’t have it.
Comparison made us feel like we were failing.
But eventually we understood:
We were comparing our behind-the-scenes to somebody else’s highlight reel.
Every marriage has a story you cannot see from the outside.
- WE LEARNED THAT UNRESOLVED HURT DOESN’T JUST DISAPPEAR.
We could move on from an argument without actually dealing with what had happened.
Then something similar would happen months later.
And suddenly the reaction was much bigger than the issue in front of us.
We were sometimes fighting today’s battle with yesterday’s pain.
We learned that avoidance can look like peace for a while.
But eventually, what isn’t addressed finds another way to speak.
- WE LEARNED THAT REPAIR IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS AVOIDING HURT.
For a long time, perhaps we thought healthy marriage meant learning not to hurt each other.
We’ve come to realise that we will sometimes disappoint each other.
We will sometimes misunderstand each other.
We will sometimes say the wrong thing.
We will sometimes get it wrong.
So we’ve had to learn another skill:
How do we come back?
How do we apologise?
How do we listen?
How do we acknowledge the hurt?
How do we rebuild trust?
How do we reconnect?
Marriage isn’t only about preventing cracks.
It’s also about learning how to repair them.
- WE LEARNED THAT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO STOP TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE.
There were things about each other we desperately wanted to change.
Sometimes because they genuinely needed to change.
And sometimes because we wanted the other person to become easier for us to live with.
That distinction matters.
You cannot build intimacy while constantly treating your spouse as a renovation project.
We’ve had to learn to look inward too.
What is mine to work on?
What am I bringing into this marriage?
What do I need to unlearn?
Where do I need to grow?
That work is uncomfortable.
But it is necessary.
- WE LEARNED THAT PARENTING CAN MAGNIFY EVERYTHING.
Children brought beautiful things into our lives.
But parenting also introduced exhaustion, decisions, responsibilities and new areas of disagreement.
Sometimes we were so focused on being parents that we forgot to be husband and wife.
We’ve learned that children need our attention, but the marriage cannot survive indefinitely on leftovers.
We have to intentionally make room for the couple too.
- WE LEARNED THAT THERE ARE TIMES YOU NEED HELP.
There is a dangerous idea that asking for help means your marriage has failed.
We’ve learned the opposite.
Sometimes you are simply too close to the problem to see clearly.
Sometimes you need a safe space.
Someone to help you slow down.
Someone to help you hear what you’re not hearing.
Someone to help you have the conversation you’ve been avoiding.
Seeking help isn’t necessarily an admission that your marriage is broken.
Sometimes it is an acknowledgement that your marriage matters enough to get help.
- WE LEARNED THAT FORGIVENESS DOESN’T MEAN PRETENDING NOTHING HAPPENED.
We’ve had to learn that forgiveness isn’t denial.
It doesn’t erase consequences.
It doesn’t mean ignoring patterns.
It doesn’t mean abandoning boundaries.
It means refusing to let the pain have the final word.
For us, faith has also been part of that journey.
There were moments when our own strength, wisdom and ability to forgive simply weren’t enough.
Faith gave us another place to return to—to seek grace, wisdom, humility and the courage to keep becoming.
- WE LEARNED THAT SOMETIMES “STARTING AGAIN” IS THE WORK.
Perhaps this is our biggest lesson.
There were times when we thought the only options were:
Stay exactly as we are
or simply LEAVE
But sometimes there is another option:
RESET.
Stop.
Tell the truth.
Acknowledge what isn’t working.
Listen differently.
Take responsibility.
Seek help.
Rebuild.
And begin again.
Not necessarily because everything is suddenly okay.
But because you have decided that the way you’ve been doing marriage isn’t working—and you’re willing to learn a new way.
SO, WHAT’S WRONG WITH US?
After all these years, that’s no longer the question we ask.
We ask:
What are we learning?
What still needs healing?
What patterns do we need to break?
What do we need to do differently?
How can I become a better partner?
How can we protect what we’re building?
Because here’s what more than a decade of marriage has taught us:
A struggling marriage isn’t necessarily a hopeless marriage.
Sometimes it is simply a marriage that needs honesty.
Sometimes it needs humility.
Sometimes it needs boundaries.
Sometimes it needs forgiveness.
Sometimes it needs professional support.
Sometimes it needs a completely different way of communicating.
And sometimes…
it needs a RESET.
We know what it feels like to look at the person you once couldn’t imagine living without, and wonder if you can keep doing this…
We know what it feels like to give up.
We have given up on each other severally.
But we’ve also learned that there can be something on the other side of the hardest seasons.
Not perfection.
Not a fairytale.
But growth.
A deeper understanding.
A willingness to keep learning.
And the humility to say:
“We don’t know how to do this perfectly. But we’re willing to learn how to do it better.”
That’s why we’re opening up this conversation through BOLD MARRIAGE RESET.
Not because James and I have the perfect marriage.
We don’t.
But because we’ve lived enough of the struggle to know that many couples are silently asking the same question we once asked:
“What’s wrong with us?”
Maybe the better question is:
“What can we do differently from here?”
🌿 BOLD MARRIAGE RESET
A space for couples to pause, have honest conversations, reflect on their patterns, reconnect and begin again.
Because sometimes the marriage doesn’t need another promise.
It needs a RESET.
Join us on 24th Sept @8pm on Zoom for
FREE Experience of Bold Marriage Reset.
Register here https://forms.gle/zXCdTXqtqdhMMvuN8 and we’ll see you there 👌🏽